Blog #1

It Took Me 3 Years To Create This Website...

But I Am Very Well Dressed

Hello Family, Friends, Fashionistas, and Self Proclaimed Princesses alike,

This is my very first EVER Blog! I am a little out of my element, but rarely am I at a loss for words and I love to write ... so the opportunity to have a Blog on my website seemed like a fun and creative outlet for me. Hopefully my readers (fingers crossed there will be some) and myself will learn a few things along the way!

My first entry is rather personal, but I felt it was a great way to open a door of communicate between us. I have virtually no secrets (unless I hold them for someone else) and I feel compelled to share my journey of building this website with you. Its been a long and difficult one, but in the end a very fulfilling one! I understand that 3 years in the making would seem like a VERY long time to create a website to most, but in the grand scheme of my life it has actually taken me 50. This website is a huge and I mean HUGGGGE accomplishment in my world and here is just a little insight as to why.......

To my relief and happy surprise.... it turns out I am not lazy, unmotivated, or a complete emotional Hotmess! The answer to my crippling inability to focus and follow through on this website (among other things) was so much more complex than I ever imagined... it seems that I physically and mentally simply could not!

A year and a half ago it was FINALLY discovered that I have ADHD.

To be clear... I had not gone seeking for this discovery. After years of therapy for Anxiety, the epiphany of my disorder was brought to light by my Therapist. My diagnosis was shocking and delightful at the same time. It was like somebody punched me straight in the face but then wrapped me in a comforting hug that said "Everything is finally going to be OK". And it is OK, but it took about a year from diagnosis to feeling what I would describe as "complete". My entire way of thinking, and understanding who I really am had been thrown for a tail spin! At first I was very timid to talk much about my new reality. I knew what many people thought upon telling them, and I'm not oblivious to what some of you are thinking right this very second.... just another MISDIAGNOSED Drama Queen making excuses for their behavior and seeking attention. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I WANT TO SHARE MY STORY! I am fully aware that I am not an expert by any means on the subject, however I have unknowingly lived with this my entire life. I've felt its powerful impact (on myself and those close to me) and I have a few things to share in the hopes of spreading just a little awareness. In the end a few of you still may not understand, and that is completely and perfectly fine. However I implore you to cuddle up with a hot tea or glass of wine, and open your mind to my wee tale of mental Triumph.

ADHD in women is very difficult to diagnose! Female symptoms usual are different from males, and I am told we mask our symptoms very well. After all ... Our creator meant us ladies to be overly emotional, distracted, and dramatic right!?!?

(Insert Eye Roll)

As a little girl sporting my perfectly woven ribbon embellished braids .. I was cute, chatty, twirly, creative, extremely sensitive, beyond forgetful, and for lack of a better word "Stupid". Very likable yes, but not taken very seriously coming forth with "a problem" to an adult figure and always the last girl anyone wanted to team up with academically or athletically by my fellow classmates. I struggled a lot mentally... and I wore it on my sleeve. I was too young and innocent at this point to mask my emotions, and too unaccomplished in school to hide my learning issues. This stress led not only to constant emotional breakdowns but also to physical anguish. At a very young age my brain began to host a life of anxiety, tummy issues, and panic attacks. The panic attacks were deemed "Cry Baby" outbursts so I was simply advised to "toughen up"... the problem was I did not know how. I tried desperately to "suck it up" and focused on the things that made me happy. Dresses made me VERY happy!!! My grandmother always bought the most beautiful clothes for me, and my mom was a perfectionist at dressing me up like a little doll. It seemed I had all the tools to make my greatest accomplishment in public school my appearance. It felt powerful to feel put together, and give me a much needed sense of confidence. My love of clothes came from how they made me feel on the inside, but perhaps all the attention on my attire was a fabulous distraction from the other issues at hand as well? Unbeknownst to me, my wardrobe served as a beautiful yet powerful armor. A "look good, feel good" mantra had been formed here, and I carry it to this day. I was never going to win the spelling B, but in my eyes an imaginary "Best Dressed" award seemed to be more of an achievement anyway. In recent realizations of these Elementary school years it dawned on me that the "Helper" Mrs Tate in my grade 5 classroom did not spend most of her time with me because she was just more fond of me than the other children, only now had it occurred to me that I had a Teachers Aid because I just wasn't very bright.  It was the late 1970's, early 80's and nobody was looking to diagnose a disorder to a cute, kind, polite, likable, well behaved little girl from a loving family... that was VERY VERY WELL DRESSED.

My teen years seemed typical. I was loud, dramatic, unfocused, incredibly irresponsible, and beyond mouthy. The cuteness vanished and gangly hormonal awkwardness had set in. With zero confident in my physical appearance I battled for inner peace. If I was no longer cute, and clearly not smart, what did I have going for me anymore? Making poor choices turned into a lifestyle. I had many friends, but I often questioned if my peers liked me as much as I liked them. I think it was then that I started to use humor as my armor of choice. I discovered that if I was witty and made fun and light of my downfalls, it gave people considerably less ammunition. I was still uber sensitive and I assume most other girls at that age spent a lot of time overthinking and crying in their room too!? Academically the battle continued, and it felt impossible to study and retain information the way the other kids did. At one point I even questioned needing reading glasses because the words on the pages all seemed to blur and scramble together. After leaving the Optometrist I felt even more discouraged at being told that nothing was wrong with my sight. As the Dr put it, I could not focus on the words because I was just a "lazy reader".

 FML further proof I was still "Stupid". This marked almost all interest in learning lost because it felt pointless to even try. I acted out, got expelled and changed back and forth between High Schools. In the end it took me two years longer to graduate than my friends. I still came from a good home, laughed though my struggles, and still was VERY WELL DRESSED.... so what could possible be wrong!?!?

College was interesting. I definitely felt different from the other Fashion Merchandising Students. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing but I did not really click with my peers for the first time in my life. They all just seemed so serious about learning, but for me, it was extremely difficult to stay focused and attend class. My comprehension of the lessons seemed to be very different from the other students. It felt like they were given completely different assignments and instructions. I just could not grasp how I was still struggling even though I was studying a subject that I was so very passionate about!?!? As a young adult it was becoming more clear than ever that I just didn't learn the same as most. With a frustrated yet heavy heart I quit College with one credit left. Feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment followed. To my dismay I was still "Stupid". I said goodbye to my education and became a fulltime waitress. But hey, now I made a ton of money, I was a Free Spirit, I continued to laugh a lot, and I still was VERY WELL DRESSED, so obviously there couldn't possibly be anything really wrong!?!?

The next 30 years obviously can not be summed up in one paragraph. And as much as I chronically tend to overshare, it would be inappropriate to divulge the many messy details. Like anyone else I've had my fair share of heartbreak, loss, family challenges, and financial ups and downs. Life can be complicated for everyone and I would never claim that my challenges or painful times were any worse than anybody else's. The difference was the way my Neurodivergent brain handled them. With even the mildest let down or inconvenience my reaction seemed drastically more intense then that of my friends and family. I am sure anyone in difficult situations would be just as sad, angry, or scared as I might be.... the emotion may be exactly the same, however the reaction to that emotion would usually be much different. The way "normal" people processed stress, grief,

and typical trials and tribulations generally seemed so much less dramatic, and certainly a hell of a lot more rational! My first 49 years I did not know I had ADHD, so I always felt different because of my undeniable over reactive nature. This trait of emotional weakness made me feel mentally hopeless.... and that familiar and exhausting feeling of being "Stupid".

Here are just a few main characteristic of ADHD in Women....

*Emotional Dysregulation*

Extreme emotional reactions. Taking things very personal, harboring massive guilt, feeling targeted, constantly questioning relationships

*Oversharing*

Blurting out every thought before thinking it through, interrupting before quickly losing a thought, involuntary loud volume when speaking and constantly being hushed. Not deliberately doing any of this and simply having little to zero control over it

*Lack Of Time Management*

Finding it very hard to make and keep appointments, "Time Blindness" leading to "Chasing Butterflies", Getting lost in projects but rarely finishing them

*Taking On Too Much*

People pleasing leading to overcommitting and unintentionally not following through.

Overdoing it to the point of being Overwhelmed followed by inevitable "ADHD Paralysis"

*Forgetfulness X 1000000*

Losing keys, phone, purse, important documents. Forgetting names, appointments, special dates, paying bills.... and all of these things are important to the ADHDer, but the perception to others is they are inconsiderate, irresponsible, ditzy, or simply just do not care

*Moderation Issues*

Being "all in" with relationships, food, alcohol, sex, hobbies, and shopping! Extreme susceptibility to addictions, substance abuse and love bombing. Unintentionally always seeking the next 'Fix" of Dopamine

*Obsessing and Ruminating*

Not being able to move past a thought, song lyric, conversation, scenario... brain looping over and over for sometimes weeks.

Fixating to the point of obsession on things that stimulate and not being able to focus on anything else, often leading to sleep issues.

Please note having a couple of these characteristics does not mean you have ADHD .... but when you have many or in my case almost all, life can become overwhelming and very challenging at times. It is also extremely important to me that you understand this is in no means a cry for attention, help, or to throw my own pity party! It is just my story of how my brain functions. In many ways my ADHD has been a Superpower! It often protects me from harsh realities, allows me to forgive quickly and move on, makes me really good at my passions due to obsessive focus, it makes me love fiercely, and it helps me find compassion with ease because of my sensitive heart. I mostly embrace and honestly love my kind of Crazy. However, since this discovery, at times I have dwelled wondering what life would have been like if I had been diagnosed and medicated since childhood? Would life have been easier? Would I have a fabulous career in Fashion? Would I be a better Wife, Mother, Daughter, Auntie, Sister, or Friend? I try to stop these thoughts, realizing that maybe my creative chaos, intense passion, never a dull moment, and super fun and quirky qualities that make me ME may not have existed. We will never know. Writing about this is definitely opening myself up to judgement and I feel ok with that. I get that this blog may seem extremely self indulgent to some. The reasoning behind this post won't and does not have to please everybody. I am just grateful that putting my feelings into words has been a form of gentle emotional healing, and has hopefully given a little forgiveness to myself for any unintentional mistakes that have been made along the way.

Sooooo Yada yada yada, here is the conclusion to my first Blog...

I am still kinda cute, I am still creative, I am still an emotional train wreck most days, I clearly still overshare, I still strive to be the happiest version of myself, I still LOVE to laugh, I am still far from perfect, I still come from a good home, and I still have ADHD. BUT, I am NOT STUPID and there is nothing "WRONG" with me!!! I can not believe I built this website all by myself, OH AND I STILL AM VERY VERY F*CKING WELL DRESSED!!!!

Thank you for reading. It means a lot to me! I promise my future Blogs will be focused more on Fashion!

Shelly

XO